I am not saying Jeff Bezos is a bad guy, I am saying he is a villain. Comic book supervillains are not written as interesting or ruthless as the true life Bezos.

If I were to write a comicbook, how would I turn this sweet, awkward looking Strawberry into a villain?

The Seed Sprouts

Jeff's mother was a 17-year-old high school student. His father was a circus performer who abandoned the family. (This is a great start!)

His mother then married Cuban immigrant Miguel “Mike” Bezos in April 1968. Mike adopted four-year-old Jeff, whose surname was then changed to Bezos.

Inventive young Bezos once rigged an electric alarm to keep his younger siblings out of his lair.

Bezos’ grandfather Lawrence, was a director of the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission. Jeff Bezos would spend many summers with his grandfather at the ranch in Texas. Bezos would later purchase this ranch and expand it from 25,000 acres to 300,000 acres.

The above is all true. And pictures don't lie- he was obviously attacked and infected by an Atomic Strawberry Zombie.

Strawberry Blossoms

He attended the Student Science Training Program at the University of Florida, was high school valedictorian, a National Merit Scholar, and a Silver Knight Award winner. In the graduation speech Bezos told the audience he dreamed of the day when the people of earth would colonize space. A local newspaper quoted his intention “to get all people off the Earth and see it turned into a huge national park.”

In 1986, he graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League (Princeton) school with degrees in electrical engineering and computer science. While at Princeton, he was the president of the Princeton chapter of the Students for the Exploration and Development of Space.

The Metamorphisis

After an early career building tech for the finance industry he quits, heads west and starts a business of his own. Amazon is born in the Gothamesque city of rain, gloom and grunge- Seattle. Perhaps he can put on the costume of a nerdy book lover and go unnoticed as he grows his empire.

From simple online book store to the “everything store” selling everything from A → Z.

Amazon runs dozens of services (like Web Services, Music and Tickets). Amazon.com is just one of (at least) a dozen sites under the Amazon umbrella; others include: 6pm.com, IMDB.com and Fabric.com just to name a few. Amazon copies and competes against its own suppliers operating at least 30 secret brands like Arabella, Ella Moon and Happy Belly. Amazon devices include: Kindle, Kindle Fire, Kindle Paperwhite, Fire TV, Alexa, Echo, Dot, Ring, Dash, Tap, Blink and Eero. Bezos also owns the Washington Post and Blue Origins.

Amazon Web Services operates on every continent except Antarctica. As of 2017, AWS owns a dominant 34% of the cloud infrastructure market, more than the next three competitors combined (Microsoft, Google, and IBM have 11%, 8%, 6% respectively). AWS customers are deploying 10x more infrastructure on AWS than the combined adoption of the next 14 providers. Netflix, Pintrest, Slack, Expedia, NASA and the US Navy are just a few examples of AWS customers.

An army of human employees, seven-hundred-thousand strong, working with for robots, drones, AI and algorithmic overloards. Traditional goods, digital purchases rentals, knock-offs and counterfeit goods are transported around the globe. Celebrities and influencers are hired to hype Amazon. Covert ad-tech and PSYOPs are deployed against civilians to influence and control their emotions and behaviour- buy more, more, more. Consumerism booms.

Amazon becomes a Trillion Dollar company.

Endorsements

Even after a divorce in which he loses over 30% of his wealth he is still the richest man in the world. Technically he is the wealthiest human in the universe.

Bezos has elected leaders of multiple metropolises kneeling before him to make offerings, begging for his finctional HQ2. 

Blue Origins launches rockets from his ranch in Texas. They have multi-billion dollar contracts with the DoD. Jeff Bezos can launch rockets from his house. Jeff Bezos is an arms dealer.

Even Mother Nature trembles before Bezos.

He owns about 10 houses. These total roughly: 100,000 square feet, 45 bedrooms and 48 bathroom. Rumor has it, he doesn’t even turn the lights off when he leaves any one of is 219 rooms.

He owns an 18 passenger private jet.

Spending 42 million dollars to build a 500 foot clock inside a moutain. The clock only ticks once per year.

Penis rockets.

“Fuck you environment!”

-Jeff Bezos

…a wealthy, power-mad American business magnate, ingenious engineer, philanthropist to the city, and one of the most intelligent people in the world. A well-known public figure, he is the owner of a conglomerate. While traditionally lacking superpowers or a dual identity, he periodically wears a high-tech suit giving him enhanced strength and other capabilities. He typically appears with a bald head. Originally a diabolical recluse, during the Modern Ages a devious, high-profile industrialist, who has crafted his public persona to avoid suspicion. He is well known for his philanthropy, donating vast sums of money over the years, funding parks, foundations, and charities.

No, the above is not an expose about Bezos from a business publication. The above is taken from wikipedia, on Lex Luther’s page. The only difference is philanthropy. Lex Luther was a great philanthropist.

Fun fact: search Wikipedia for "jeff" and the Bezos is the center of a villain sandwich!

Not only is that fun, it is a fact.

As of 2019 he is 55 years old. He controls a trillion dollar company and has a personal fortune of over 100 billion dollars. He is an arms dealer with the ability to launch rockets from his remote ranch. With the help of some testosterone therapy he went from scrawny to jacked. He wears aviator glasses! He achieved all this while also being a husband and father.

He is now single and his kids are almost grown. What is next, now that Bezos has more time to focus on world domination? Sorry, galactic domination.

Blue Origin believes that in order to preserve Earth, our home, for our grandchildren’s grandchildren, we must go to space to tap its unlimited resources and energy. Like the Industrial Revolution gave way to trade, economic abundance, new communities and high-speed transportation - our road to space opens to the door to the infinite and yet unimaginable future generations might enjoy. Paving the way starts now.

The above is the actual mission state of Blue Origins. Wait, what?! Colonizing space and tapping its resources- isn’t this exactly what alien villains do in movies? Being a human supervillain isn’t enough? Being earth’s biggest villain isn’t enough? Should he be stopped? Or to build suspense, maybe we should let him go to space and come back with an alien-cyborg army before he is defeated by our grandchildren’s grandchildren and then make a movie about the events starring Will Smith’s great-great-great-great-grandchild.

Prime Destruction, coming to theaters near you, Summer, 2104.